Can't I Ever Catch A Break

I was devastated this morning when I turned on the old Mac and browsed the headlines on CNN's website. No the U.S. hadn't attacked Syria yet and one of my all-time favourite musicians hadn't passed away. No, I was shocked to learn that my future wife had agreed to marry another man.

Still hoping she'll be the future Mrs. Bundy!

Apparently Scarlett Johansson has been given mind-altering drugs recently that have clouded her judgment and impaired her ability to make rational decisions. This couldn't be more obvious after reading that she's decided to accept a proposal of marriage from some incredibly ugly looking man who's wealth has been obtained by questionable means. Oh sure, they say he co-own an independent advertising agency but you can't fool me. He looks too sneaky and clearly his shifty and shady practices must be the source of his lucrative income.

The mere fact that Scarlett doesn't have the slightest idea that I exist or that I've been losing weight to impress her couldn't have any bearing on her decision to ignore me and do what makes her happy. Shame on her for breaking my heart once again.

At least the last time she got married it was to a fellow Canadian so I could accept that a bit easier but after she and Ryan Reynolds divorced I thought maybe she might have a thing for the sweet romantic and tender love that only a Canadian man can provide and my chances would have improved once again. Not so apparently.

If there is a silver lining or a shred of hope still alive it's the fact that she and her new man haven't set a date yet for the wedding. There's still time for her to come to her senses and back out and come running to me and my open arms.

Alas, I have a feeling that she has dashed the hope of every delusional man on the planet including myself. All I can do is hang on to the hope that I'll get my shot after this marriage fails in a year or two.