Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I Hate Cats!

Sorry cat lovers but the cold hard truth is I hate cats. I realize that "hate" is such a strong word but in this particular case...it really isn't strong enough.

I certainly wouldn't wish any ill will towards a cat. I'm not a member of PETA but I don't like to see any animals in pain, suffering or killed. But if something were to happen to a cat I certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

I know what you're thinking...how could he be so heartless? Well I do have a heart but I just don't have any patience for one of the most unaffectionate pets known to man. A pet pig will show you more love and loyalty than a feline.

At no point in my life have I ever thought to myself, "I'd like to have a cat." Its just never happened. I'll admit it, I'm a dog lover. But even some dogs can drive me crazy with their barking. I don't blame the dogs though as their owners should have trained or disciplined them to not yelp at any passing car, animal or mailman.

My family's last dog was a Cocker Spaniel named "Taffy" and she was very quiet and well behaved to the very end. The only time she'd bark was if a raccoon came into our campsite. She even had her own chair to lay in by the fire and that was usually set next to dad. She also wasn't much of a guard dog as her only weapon was to lick you to death. It broke my heart to take her to the vet to be put down as she gave as much affection as she received. While officially my dad's dog, she was a family pet and was truly a part of the family.

But I digress. Back to the frisky felines who frequently infuriate me. What is it I don't like about cats?

For starters, I can always tell by the smell when I walk into a cat owners house. In most cases it's likely the litter box that can be traced as the point of origin for the odour. As disgusting as that is, think about where most people have their litter boxes located...in the kitchen. Now that's an appetizing smell for dinner guests to enjoy. Of course not everyone keeps them in the food preparation area but no matter where they are, the smell is enough to turn your stomach.

Speaking of eating, when was the last time you saw your dog walking across your counter or dinning room table? Cats jump on and walk all over all sorts of locations in the house. If I wanted to taste cat in my food I'd order in.

How annoying is it to go visit friends only to have their cat or cats decide to visit you in the living room while you're trying to carry on a conversation or enjoy some appetizers? Up it jumps into your lap. So it's time to either pet the damn thing or push it away. You don't want to be rude so you decide to run your hand along the back of the cat. However it's not purring you hear but a hiss as you've annoyed the little bugger and the claws come out and rip your arm or thigh to shreds. Actually, you're lucky if it's only your arm or thigh. Why the hell did he jump up there in the first place if he didn't want some attention?

Don't get me started on stray cats or non-house cats roaming the streets at night. Where I live I dread the times when the buggers are in heat and feeling amourous. They start howling or moaning or whatever you call it outside my window and if I can't find a bucket of water then I'll grab the slingshot and make them scatter. Of course there's nothing better to help put you to sleep then two cats fighting. Isn't that a lovely sound?

Finally, I've learned one lesson that I'll always remember. If you're sleeping over at someones house and they have cats, make sure you close the door and the room is empty of the little furballs before you turn off the light. The last thing I want is to have one jump up on my bed and walk all over me while I'm trying to sleep. Either that or it will lay down beside you and purr and make enough noise to keep you awake all night long.

No I'm not a cat lover and as I've been writing this I've tried to remember why I started disliking cats in the first place. Aside from the obvious reasons above I believe I had a traumatic experience when I was younger. I've tried to block it out of my memory but the bits and pieces I can put together involved my crotch and a cat using it as a scratching post. You do the math.

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