Making Up For Lost Time

Lets have some fun! I have a time machine and I want you to join me on a trip back to the mid-80’s to mid-90’s.

Those were amazing times, I was in my teens and early 20’s. I was graduating high school and going to college. The music of that time has stuck with me and is more or less the soundtrack to my entire life. I was young with no big worries except what time my next football, rugby or baseball game was. I had a core group of close friends who I did everything with. My life revolved around them, from sports, to patties, to camping and lots of drinking and eating.

I would go so far as to say that these were the best years of my life so far. And they were also the most difficult and emotional as well.

During this time I was a big lad who could hit a baseball a ton and could lay the body on opposing players. I was always up for a good time out on the weekends which always started on Wednesday night I think. I loved my friends and would do anything for them. But it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns.

I was pretty sad back then. While I'm not gay I certainly felt like the gay friend at times. At the very least I was the third wheel. I was the guy all the girls could talk to and confide in. I was the guy who could make people laugh and smile. I wasn’t the guy that the girls wanted to date or have a relationship with.

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It wasn’t because I wouldn’t treat women right. I loved women and would do anything to make them happy. No, it was obviously because I wasn’t a good looking muscular sexy hunk of man meat. I was smart and funny but no matter what a woman tells you, the only thing that really matters is how good you look as a couple and no women wanted to have me on their arm. This isn't about feeling sorry for myself, these are just the facts as I interpreted them then and perhaps even now to some extent.

Now I was able to live with that. It sucked, and still sucks today but I made the most of it and tried my best to find relationships and romance but it just never happened. “I like you as a friend” became the phrase that made my heart bleed over and over again.

Eventually I just kinda gave up. What was the point? No amount of flowers or chocolates or romantic gestures could hide the fact I was over weight and unattractive.

So when I started my weight loss journey my main goal was to get healthy and improve my life expectancy. But I won’t lie. A part of me wants to get thin, muscular and in shape to not only improve my chances at finding that which has eluded me all these years but to maybe have those girls who shunned my romantic advances all those years ago look at me and think, “gee, had he looked like that back then, I might have dated him.”

Of course I’m still not where I want to be or need to be but it is nice to get noticed now for being thinner and healthier rather than people pointing and laughing at the big fat obese mess I used to be. Every day I go out I seem to run into someone who can’t believe how much I’ve changed my appearance and it sure is nice to hear. Maybe I’m being a little vain but that’s one thing I’ve never been before.

As far as the ladies go, I’ve actually been on a couple of dates recently. All very nice ladies and it’s fun to feel like someone might actually be attracted to me. I feel like a teenager again. I guess that’s because most teens go through this at that age and here I am well past my teens feeling things I’d never felt before and it’s kinda nice for a change.

As for my progress, I’m happy to report that my new low weight is 248.8 pounds which means I’ve lost a total of 170 pounds so far. It fluctuates daily but it I keep it within a few pounds and get it back down. And the other new milestone of sorts, I tried on a pair of size 40 waist jeans the other day and actually got them done up. They're still a little snug but that wasn't going to happen when I was wearing size 60 waist jeans. So my weight isn't changing much but my body is still making gains.

Miracles Do Happen

When I think back to the day I made the choice to lose weight, it amazes me that I've stayed true to the plan over a year later.

Like so many other times in the past, when I made the decision to make it really happen this time after failing countless times in the past, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "you're probably going to fail again like all the times before." But surprisingly that isn't the case.

Yesterday, after beginning this journey in October of 2012 halfheartedly and then with more serious desire in March of 2013, I finally reached my original weight loss goal. As many of you know who have been following my efforts, I started at a maximum weight of 418.8 pounds and I set a goal of 250 pounds. In actual fact I weighed much more than 418 at one point but didn't have a true weight measurement to go on until I weighed in at 418.8. Yesterday when I stepped on the scale I was thrilled to read the numbers that showed up. I was past my goal and weighed 249.3 pounds. I've officially lost 169.5 pounds to date.

As you might imagine it was a rather emotional moment for me.

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I didn't cry or anything but the sense of accomplishment and pride I felt was beyond words.

If you were to ask me what was different this time after failing so many times before, I don't know if I could say for certain what changed. Where did this new found willpower and fear of failure come from? How did I commit to eating less and changing my eating habits? Where did the energy come from to start walking every day which eventually turned me into a gym rat spending five days a week on the elliptical, treadmill and lifting weights?

Beats the hell out of me.

Obviously the diagnosis of being a diabetic was a huge motivating factor. Seeing changes in my body that were indicators of a potential deadly outcome in the not too distant future was motivating. Getting winded while struggling to get out of bed, get dressed or climb stairs was motivating. The thought of being bed-ridden, wheelchair bound or attending my own funeral before I turned 50 was motivating.

Just one of those things should have been motivating enough but to combine them all and finally have the light bulb go off in my brain and realize that I'm not ready to die probably got things going in a a positive direction for the first time in my life.

And now that I've actually reached the goal I set for myself I can take a moment to look back. But only a moment because I want to forget that version of me ever existed. Well, I don't want to forget entirely because I need to remember where I came from to recognize the signs that I'm not being as healthy as I need to be and to prevent it from ever happening again.

I've yet to set a new goal for myself because I don't really know what would be realistic.

I've been toying with the idea of setting the new goal for 218.8 pounds. If I succeed in reaching that goal I would have lost a total of 200 pounds.

I'm not sure it's possible though. And then there's the debate over what to do about any excess skin I have left behind. Forty plus years of being obese and then losing a lot of weight leaves behind some unsightly skin. I'd rather have that then the weight but it's still not pretty to look at...not that anyone sees me naked. But I have to look in the mirror so it might be something I can discuss with my doctor down the road. For now, I'm not planning on wearing a Speedo on the beach or being on the cover of GQ or Muscle and Fitness, so I can live with it.

Not long into this weight loss journey I wondered what I might do to celebrate or mark the occasion if I reached my goal. I don't have any tattoos on my body and I've never really had any desire to get one, mainly because I could never think of anything I wanted bad enough to have it permanently inked into my skin. I'm still open to the idea but don't have a clue what I'd get or where I'd put it. The thought of it is kinda neat and I know that it would mean something special as it would mark a significant achievement in my life. I'm open to suggestions if anyone wants to provide any.

So I'm going to enjoy this moment for a bit while continuing to watch what I eat and work out. Soon I'll be golfing again and will be back to walking the golf course and climbing the hills which is always some good exercise, even if my game is complete crap. It's all about the greater good though.