It's A Royal Party

Grab your royal purple swim trunks and your crown jewels and get ready for a regal party like you’ve never seen before.

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. That’s a long time! I know how much time I’ve languished on the throne during my almost 44 years spent in this world and my butt gets numb just thinking about it.

I’m still waiting for my invite to arrive in the mail but I can just picture the blowout that’s planned at Buckingham Palace for Her Royal Majesty in honour of this rare occasion. Heck, only once in the history of Canada have we had the opportunity to celebrate a previous Diamond Jubilee and I know none of you were invited to that shindig. In 1897, Queen Victoria proved that if you sit on the throne long enough and your legs don’t lose all sensation, you can reach this miraculous milestone.

While the celebrations among the Commonwealth countries will be extensive, the private party for family and close friends is the one I’m more interested in. I can just imagine what might transpire around the backyard palace pool this summer.

The Queen will no doubt have on her smoking hot red two-piece as she spreads out on a chaise lounge chair poolside. Her crown is safely perched on a table nearby as servants continually bring her martini’s and David Beckham rubs suntan lotion on her back while wearing only his signature briefs.

Over at the barbecue Prince Phillip has some mysterious meat on a spit rotating over the heat. With a scotch in one hand and a basting brush in the other as he shares a story with Prince Andrew who feigns interest while watching his daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, as they search for one of the Queen’s missing corgis.

Prince Harry emerges from the pool change room adjusting his swimming trunks and still inside I can see a topless Pippa Middleton attempting to quickly compose herself before her sister arrives. Harry gets a high five from his father Prince Charles as they saunter over to the bar. Charles can be overheard saying, “Well done old boy. Like father like son.”

At the bar, Charles and Harry are greeted by Victoria Beckham and Camilla who have been discussing how beautiful Posh Spice is. Camilla, not realizing that Victoria in fact is Posh Spice, thinks it’s uncanny how much Victoria looks like her.

Suddenly security is called and swiftly two of the Royal Guards pounce on an intruder found lurking in the bushes. In no time at all, Sarah Ferguson is escorted from the palace grounds kicking and screaming something about wanting to be relevant again.

A splash is heard as Pippa finally emerged and cannonballs into the pool with the intent to clean the filth off her body and the guilt from her mind. Her bikini top immediately rips loose on impact with the water. Nobody notices because they’ve all seen it before. Well, actually Princess Anne noticed because she was standing next to the pool and was splashed and doesn’t look happy about it. She angrily storms off and hops on a horse and goes for a ride.

While Elton John plays the piano in close proximity and sings “Kiss the Bride”, he’s interrupted by the sound of a British Navy rescue helicopter as it lands on the helipad in the backyard. Prince William and Kate step out with gifts in hand for the Queen. Kate looks amazing in her bikini. I ask Prince Edward and Sophie if Kate’s lost weight again. They inform me that she is getting thinner which is odd since she’s 4 months pregnant.

William shouts out, “Let’s get this party started, the chosen ones in da house bitches.”  Harry rushes over and whispers something in Will’s ear whose response was, “way to go bro!” Now proclaiming that she’s starving, Kate goes over to the food table, breaks off half a cracker, eats it and then complains about eating too much.

By this point I’ve seen enough. I walk over to the Queen and congratulate her on her Diamond Jubilee one more time, then my date, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and I jump in our limo and head to a local pub to party with real people.